Back in the Game

Hey. Remember me? I know, I know, I can't make up my mind. Do I want to write? Take pictures of my food? Take pictures of my day? Blog about my wedding? Well I've decided, yes, I want to take pictures of my day and yes, I want to write. I've always been a writer and it's hard to just take a picture and not explain it with a long, drawn out caption. And of course, who really cares about my life that much? I of course want people to enjoy my writings and pictures but it's so fun to go back and read these. They put me exactly in that moment.

The truth is, I can't sleep. I have so much on my mind. I'd rather sit in the dark and strain my eyes than attempt to fall asleep after an hour of tossing and turning.

After reading my last post, it's funny (?) I wrote about Jessie. It's the last time I saw her and a large part of my off and on sleeping problems. Jessie's been gone for nearly three months now and there isn't a day that hasn't gone by where I haven't thought of her. Those thoughts are usually accompanied by tears. I still cannot believe what happened and why. I don't think I or anyone else will and I'm having a hard time with that. I have no regrets about the last time I saw her; we hugged goodbye and said we loved each other. But of course all I think about is the last time I was in Flagstaff before she died, exactly a month before. I didn't see her. We stopped by her office and touched her name on the door. I texted her to come out. Why didn't I call her? Why didn't I let her know how much I really wanted to see her? Why didn't I ask her why we never received any RSVP for any of our wedding stuff? Why couldn't I have one last memory of her? I know I can't kick myself for the rest of my life about this. I know that I have to be at peace with what has happened and know that there is a reason. I just wonder how long that takes? And will I start to feel guilty when I start to feel at peace? And why do I feel so consumed with how I feel and not about her children and her family?

I'm sorry to be so depressing. A lot of that needed to come out somehow and it just happened to be through the keyboard. But that's what this is for, right? :)

I'll be back soon with happy thoughts, rainbows, and unicorns. Until then, see what I did today at http://picturexthis.wordpress.com .